Today is going to be a good day...

I try to be a really positive person. It's a goal I set for myself every morning when I get out of bed. It's something I have struggled to remind myself of recently as I take the below 10 degree commute to work, as the CTA threatens to make me late and as I approach each day with no real clue of what is going to come my way. But I learned something crucial during high school something I have internalized and it happened in a quick moment. The person who told the story probably had no idea the impact it would have on me. Even more amazing the person who the story is about is someone I never met and never will.

In high school I wasn't a very positive person. I mean I pretended to be, but internally I pulled the why me card a lot. That type of stuff brings you down. But life has its ways of putting you on the right path. I went on a Kiaros retreat in November of my senior year, it was without a doubt one of the most pivotal moments of those 4 years. We were sitting in a small group, in my mind it was very late. We were sharing stories and one guy talked about his grandpa. A man that claimed he never had a bad day in his life. Why? Because he woke up every morning and told himself that today was going to be a good day. And he went to bed thinking about how he accomplished this goal. That hit home with me, why I do not know, but I went on with the intent to live my life in that way. In a way that was really meaningful to me and allowed me to have countless positive experiences.

I really focused on those words, it was a real eye opener. Who was I to be so unhappy? It really wasn't that bad and every day actually brought me constant miracles that I had failed to notice because I had been too wrapped up in the little things. So I made every day just that, a good day. It's hard to do sometimes and some people might question how you can go through life failing to notice all the negatives and all the terrible things going on around the world. Trust me I'm not blind, I know it's rough out there, I mean I do work for a social service agency, but that is no reason that I can not bring a positive energy to everything that happens and be a positive force in the world. Hopefully, directly or indirectly encouraging others to do the same.

I attribute this revelation to the strong ending I had in high school and the beyond amazing 4 years I had at Miami. I vowed to make every day count, I vowed to live in the moment and at the end of the day, at the end of whatever dark tunnel I walked through, I would close my day thinking of how blessed I was, how much I had to be thankful for and to look forward to. Try bringing this positive energy into every situation, it's amazing how much you can accomplish.

So all of that is great. But I have come to see over this past month how completely I have failed at this lately. I wake up in the morning and honestly say to myself that I do not want to go to work today. That this sucks. Really? Where do I get off? When I have my dream job? How did I get to this point of so much self pity? If you read my last blog post you can see where I put myself emotionally, mentally and spiritually recently was not a good place.

This weekend I was with a bunch of close friends. Some one made a half serious complaint and a friend sarcastically replied "Oh your life is so hard." That's it. It's not so hard. If I only took a second to think about it I would realize once again how great I have it. So why do I complain? What happened to my positivity?

So I woke up this morning. It was early yes, but I told myself it was going to be a good day. And you know what? Sitting here at the close of my day, I can honestly say it was. Was everything perfect? No. But in the big picture I have it pretty good and I'm going to use that realization to hopefully project my positivity onto as many people as possible. All it took was me taking a moment to step back, to stay positive. Learn from each moment and move forward. It was a long day yes, but in the end I know this will move me to where I want to be.

So I need to remind myself: When I get up tomorrow or the next day, to commit myself to having a good day. I hope you will join me.

It all comes back to self-care

Self-care. That concept was introduced to me in July as something that was essential to my survival in this upcoming year as an AmeriCorp Volunteer. I brushed it off, how hard could it be to watch out for myself. And here I find myself 6 months later, one fourth of the way through my two years, and I'm more emotionally drained than I have ever been in my life. I have not been watching out for myself  and here I find myself close to burn out, but I have learned a lot.

It's really stupid too. I don't have lunch scheduled in my day, we eat as we find time and yes that means some days I don't eat at all. I know it's not healthy. I don't remove myself for some sacred time to focus on my work and I do not take advantage of comp time as much as I should. I learned this beats me up. I woke up one morning and found myself worn out and unhappy because of it. I feel really stuck in a rut and I do not know what to do about it in the least.

My job has provided an overall strain on my day to day life and I know it should not be this way. I come home and have no desire to do anything when I want to accomplish so much. I think part of it might be the weather, having the day end before I even leave the office, it's not the best feeling that for the entire time the sun is out during the day I am sitting inside an office. Yes the work is worthwhile, but that thought is mildly depressing. I know that other part of it is that I am not watching out for myself and taking care of myself. But to be honest I am stuck and I have not had enough time to slow down and figure out why, yet I know I need to do so.

I have a two week break coming up in a week that I am really looking forward to so I can reflect on everything going on in my life. I feel stuck and don't know what to do. My work is meant to bring me daily fulfillment, that's what service is all about but it more exhausting than I ever thought possible. I come so close to snapping on my clients on a daily basis and it's all because I am a point where I do not know how to turn things around.

I have never been in a more emotionally drained point in my life than I have ever thought possible. A friend once told me that sometimes we focus so much on helping others that we do not pause to help ourselves. It all comes back to self-care, something I am learning more and more everyday I am not well prepared to address until I drive myself to the point of burn out.

It's time to make a change at this point in my life to focus more on how I can watch out for myself. This is my next goal. Taking time to help myself so I can successfully help others.